in need of attention - desperately, NOW!

why do i have to fight and argue with people and generally be something labelled as a "self-centered bitch", but one that has moral dilemmas? i never intend on being mean with the people i love (and they are truthfully so very few, i think i'm a bit of an oddity on this planet), and no one ever does, it just happens and mostly for all the wrong reasons or due to something so trivial that, somehow, just got on my nerves at that particular time. maybe it's something even i did at times, maybe i'm just trying to find excuses for those around whom i love so much, i can't bare the idea of them hurting me on purpose - which i'm sure they never did, and neither do i, but things just happen and we get so worked up over stupid little moments like: "u didn't talk to me" - after spending the better part of an hour on the phone, "u snapped and had a harsh tone" - regardless of how tired u must be, "u didn't answer" - was sleeping.... or other such simpleminded, hillarious "jokes" that kinda bug u at times. frankly, i don't see why i even mind stuff like that, or am i just expecting those around me to be the embodiment of pleasantry and good-will at all times? it's not like any of this makes sence, it's just probably one of our ways of saying "in need of attention - desperately, NOW!", a.k.a be more considerate than u possibly thought in ur power to be :))). 

maybe i'm over-idealizing, either myself or those around me and all of this is just supposed to happen, maybe quarrels are a must in order not to be horribly bored with those around, maybe i'm being over-dramatic and reading too much into something purely stupid, stupid 1, stupid 2... or maybe there's a guilt i can't bare to live with, something i did, something i said, the way i acted... all wrong and overemotional and spreading resentment. i have no idea if this is an apology for what happened, or for everything that ever happened and i stopped remembering, but i just know i despise myself when i have to act like that, when people can't even stand my presence, when, usually, - like 90% of the time - u don't mind and just grab my arm and take me out of the bitter gutters without my noticing. i'm not aware of time when i started needing help, or became dependent, and i still don't know how to act, how to be thankful, how to notice, how not to get upset with people for just trying. honestly now, i forgive my computer every time he throws a tantrum, and it's made out of bloody plastic :))