no need to cry

middle weak coughing wednesday sunny chlorine morning. paint scorched off blood-shot byork trembling walls and how i'm seemingly so uninvolved and peaceful. sure, the swings of the pendulum are uneavenly balanced and this quaint equilibrium may crumble to fire consuming dust in your absence. that's why my consciousness dictates my permanence in the shell of this uneasy sanctum. i'll recall this time later on as a new stage, troublesome, hillarious, lively, no pretence, no need, not having to care since nothing could dissociate this slumbering memory from my future temporal lobe. jazz on the sidewalk of the table kitchen, smouldering pavement under the thumping of the unusual marching-band:me, you, you, us, they, them... saxophones, pianos, trumpets and soulful voices. like a sun won't you come...and brighten my eyes to the unreflected deflection of surreptitiousness. i unfold my smoky wings over stratospheric shouting...listen and stop pouting, infinite disapproval and remorse could clutch at your heart and expiate your sins. these rays banging on glass, curtains, your retina.

in bucatarie...

frightful damp cold weather out there, fish odour and mushroomy undertones in here... business management related disputes that contrive to induce a fragrant dissention of the profoundly incompetent underlings. so here starts the 6 PM dinner ritual, evidently backed up by a severe discontent in primal misjudgement of character. this all seems so atrociously still, like a picture-perfect statement that this should be heavily imprinted in memory.

intermission

few hours later, same location, different posture...liver thawing and slowly decomposing into maroonish meaty grains in a pile of blood-shot water. and amongst potatoe peelings, strange as it may seem, while quaffing down cherry soda, in the backround of the hitting keyboard, i find myself in the midst of a sort of quarelling "family" of dearest beings - so baffeling the concept of living with two guys: they fight, they argue, the discuss, they're logical and yet unawares of themselves, they accept and never ask questions, they inferr the obvious, but in a subtle way, they... are, somewhat, carefree.

i so wish you wouldn't stirr so madly, like life depended on chicken livers...like change is possible and doctors could show up in the most unusual places. never underestimate, never disregard, never adhere to a premise you don't intend to live up to.

abruptly with no regard for consequences

Indisputable lack of sleep adorned by the lack of your interest in me
inspires selfmorphing so as to incinerate your sences and then drown
them in a pool of my distorted consciousness. I was pondering the idea
of us and it seems to me so improbable and abstract, no matter how
much I strife to entrance you, maybe because of this huge gap in
time...we met too late, but even this is better than no meeting at
all. And you're so different from anyone else I've met before...you
don't fall for the tragedy I'm capable of or my perfect damsel act, so
you've forced me to be myself around you because you won't have
anything less than my original self.
And so you left one cold dark December morning...too early in the
morning. I was somewhere on the borderline of sleep and delusion and I
pleaded with you not to leave. It's snowing out there now, above
ground, above my frozen bewilderment. I wonder, is it snowing where
you are? Can you stand the blistering cold degrading your skin or the
snowflakes dying of the hopelessness of having met you?