Defragmenting

Tried crying today...didn't work. I tried drawing up tears from my every fibre, but...they wouldn't come. The feelings of helplessness and dread were overpowering, don't get me wrong, but... i simply couldn't do anything about it, i couldn't pull my mask off and just cry. I didn't realise it at first, it seemed like i had failed in something, like i couldn't control myself to do something, but, as i stood there, the world didn't sound like the place i was in, but something different, better, something loooooong gone. I congratulate myself at the end of this day for one harsh accomplishment: regaining my composure, my million discarded masks, my old double-edged self.
...
Red strawberry-stained fingertips, a pungent smell of decadent summer, huge 3-legged mosquito on my lamp...and it all feels so surreal, so out of place and, yet... mesmerizing. Matter-of-factly, i loathe growing up, realizing that very little of the world around me is quite how i envision it, but at least partly, here, in this bubble-gum town, everything somehow clicks and time freezes over. There's nothing different between the first paragraph and this one, just 3 days distance and geography, but this universe is like a breath of fresh air in this smoggy world.  I wouldn't go back, but i hate having to accept the unacceptable, the disappointments and ... whoever it is you are that i don't know, and never really knew. The mosquito is gone now. Hope i'm not drained of blood by the time i finish this. My keyboard is a slightly pinkish hue at the moment, the water is dripping in the bathroom since i didn't go to the trouble of closing the tap properly, my hair is a mess of golden tangles, myself is at ease and happy; i know where this is going.