crazy sexy hypnotic...tell me how you feel

I feel an anguish... something beyond the distorted mind of the demented rose personality, beyond the klutzy fool that keeps every futile piece of paper like a broken memory - that i haven't written about. Restless, page-blank bleached where am i....? where did i leave myself behind, and since when am i so devoid of my usual charm, of a conversation topic, of any link besides the obvious and oblivious monotony that everyone displays? really now, haven't u noticed? haven't u all noticed? bloody hell, i know not the reason for such a troublesome situation, for my sudden dramatic change, this ... thing, this morphed hybrid longing for itself, for colder reason, for ignorance as bliss, for everything it stood for and upholed, and for an ego unbeneded, that now seems utterly slanted. absurd as it may seem i'm feeling this now - this small catastrophe - in the midst of an exam- of whatever the fuck i actually need it for, of whatever the hell i need to do for myslef...cuz i just get the impression i'm givin myself up bit by bit to everyone, because i'm so giving.... it's like:" sure, here u go, have a piece...", " of course, i will...", " neah, i don't mind..." and i really don't mind...cuz i've always been this way, never really asking for anything in return, because i don't need anything, and if i do need this small thing i'd almost never tell u, cuz u'r always relying on me and what would that make me?....unreliable? that's just up to u. i've never really asked myself questions that might shatter my world, my beliefs in the ppl around me, about how and if they care, see, know, cuz deep down, i'm sure they do - there is always a moment i can never really remember, when they all stand by my side, when they're right there behind me to fall back on - but i'm so darn scared of falling back, of letting myself slip that it's so chaotic, so like 3 definitory words of the letter "y". not makin any sence is a gift, not making any sence while actually making sence is what only i or u can understand ... when bewilders is... how u talk to me....tell me how u feel...